2025 was supposed to start off a great year, full of new opportunities, fresh goals and aspirations. One week into the new year I received a phone call that changed my life. With in minutes my world came tumbling down and I was struck with grief that left me in a whirl wind of emotions. What do you do when grief comes knocking on your door?
If you are someone who is struggling with grief, I want you to know you aren’t alone. A little over a week ago, I received a phone call that turned my world upside down. My friend apologized for being the one to tell me and proceeded to say.” your ex-Fiancé is dead. "The moment the words came out, I felt my stomach drop, my body shake and tears stream down my face. I dropped to my knees and let out a cry that I had never heard. A wave of emotion came over me, feelings of anger, sadness, regret, and guilt all hit me at once.
He was not just an ex, but someone I still loved. In fact, he was the only person in my life I had truly loved. When I made the decision to call of the engagement it was not because I stopped loving him, in fact it was quite the opposite. I loved him more than I loved myself and I was forced to make a choice. The engagement was called off 3 years prior, yet we never were able to let each other go. We broke up and got back together no less than 10 times. Somehow, we always were pulled back to each other.
He had asked me numerous times to get back together, in order to protect my heart, I tried to distance myself and refused to be honest with how I really felt. The truth was, that I loved him still and never stopped. I had spent the last 3 years holding on to hope that one day we would figure it out. I had to face the fact that my biggest regret was not being honest with myself about what I truly wanted. Hiding for so many years the love I still had.
When grief comes knocking at your door, and I want to remind all of us that it will come knocking, you have a couple options. You can try to avoid the pain, by drinking, drugs, shutting off emotions, and staying overly busy. Or you can choose to ride all of the emotional waves that grief bring, Grief is much like the ocean, sometimes you will feel calm, other times you will feel overwhelmed, like you can break at any moment. The key is to ride out every single wave honoring what needs to be felt.
The journey of grief is a valley, it’s a dark uncomfortable place, but the key to getting through it, is to keep moving by feeling. Every tear drops, every sob, every heart ache is an expression of love that your broken heart needs to make it through. Don’t fight the tears and don’t feel guilty on the days you feel okay too. Not all valleys are covered in darkness, light always finds a way to shine through.